I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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