You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
my poor anus
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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