I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
