Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
