Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
