Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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