That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
