Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
