You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
