Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
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I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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