You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
