My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
