how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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