Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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