i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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