If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
