they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
