I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
foreskin is a definite game changer
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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