My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
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