got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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