i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
