Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
