fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
