she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will be naked everywhere
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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