put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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