What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
