On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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