im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
