Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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