I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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