if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sarcasm needs its own font
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
