I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
