I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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