Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
