shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
