If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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