Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
