no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
