Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
