I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
