If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
