I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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