doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
