The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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