Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
