If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
