that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
