if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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