neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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