I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
