just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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