Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
