Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
