Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
