Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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